How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary

This How to Win Friends & Influence People summary is referenced with page numbers for easy reference.

How to Win Friends & Influence People, by Dale Carnegie, is one of the most popular communication books ever written. Some of the things mentioned are not relevant today, but the principles are timeless.

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How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary

How to Win Friends and Influence People is about getting along with people in both your personal and professional life.

Because everyone is primarily interested in themself, Dale Carnegie recommends thinking about people in ways you can benefit them. 

  • How can you make other people feel good about themselves?
  • What interests them?
  • What can you learn from them?
  • How can I get their best qualities to shine?
  • What is bothering them and how can you help?
  • How can I better understand them?
  • How can I better appreciate them?
  • How can I gain their trust?
  • How can I become genuinely interested in other people without expecting anything in return?

The principles taught in this book will only work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 256

 

 

Part One: Fundamental Techniques In Handling People

 

Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain 

People almost never want to admit when they’re wrong. If they don’t think that they are wrong, beginning by telling them they’re wrong will not help in dealing with them.

“If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 31

 

“criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurt his sense of importace and arouse resentment.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 34

 

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 42

 

As Dr. Johnson said, ‘God himself , sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.” 

Why should you and I?”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 46

 

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation

Praise or appreciation will help get people to like you, but people see through flattery. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey describes an emotional bank account.  People perceive criticism and flattery as a withdrawal. And people perceive sincere praise as a deposit.

If your emotional account is empty or overdrawn with someone it may take some time to get a positive balance. First, determine what is usually a positive experience for everyone. Then determine what is a positive experience for each individual.

“The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 47

 

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 48

 

“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 50

 

“If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Pages 52, 53

 

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 53

 

“Once I did bad and that I heard ever. Twice I did good, but that I heard never.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 54

 

“Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 58

 

“I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 60

 

“Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Pages 60, and 134

 

“Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’ And people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime–repeat them years after you have forgotten them.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Pages 60

 

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want

What do you want? What you want is almost always secondary to what the other person wants.

Find out what interests them. Pay attention to hot words that grab their attention. What do they keep mentioning? Watch their body language when you mention different ideas.

“Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or grasshopper in front of the fish and said: “Wouldn’t you like to have that?”

Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 61

 

“Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 61

 

“arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 63, 76, and 79

 

“The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 74

 

“People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 74

 

Part Two: Six Ways To Make People Like You

“Why not study the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever known? Who is he? You may meet him tomorrow coming down the street. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you. And you know that behind this show of affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he doesn’t want to sell you any real estate, and he doesn’t want to marry you.

Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 82

 

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 82

 

“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 92

Principle 2: Smile

“Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 95

 

“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 99

 

“Every body in the world is seeking happiness—and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Pages 99, 100

 

“It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 100

Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

 

“Names are the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 113

 

Principle 4: Be a good listener

Are you listening or waiting to respond?

Where do you fall on Stephen Covey’s 5 levels of listening?

  1. Ignoring: No intention of listening or appearing to listen.
  2. Pretending: Making it appear as if you’re listening but not paying attention.
  3. Selective: Pretending to listen paying attention only to things that interest you. 
  4. Attentive: Listening and being able to repeat what the other person says.
  5. Empathic: Listening and being able to show that you understand how they feel.

Most people listen waiting to respond. If you listen trying to understand and respect their feelings, you will lead the field.

Also, remember that most people you talk to are selective or attentive listeners, waiting for something that interests you. You must bring them to level 5 listening. Try including things that interest your audience and show genuine emotion.

 

“The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener— a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Pages 117, 118

 

“If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Pages 122, 123

 

“To be interesting, be interested.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 123

 

“A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 123

Principle 5: Talk In Terms of the other person’s interest

Take time to learn what interests the other person. What do they mention? What makes them light up when you talk about it?

Ask them questions or other people questions about what they like. But not with the intention of using them. Do it with the intention of developing a genuine interest in their hobbies or dreams. Maybe you can help them with their ideas. Maybe you can learn something from them. Or maybe you become friends.

As a secondary benefit, they will most likely be willing to do business with you.

 

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely

“Talk to someone about themselves and they’ll listen for hours.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 141

Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

 

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

“I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument— and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Pages 144, 145

 

“You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 145

 

“A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 145

 

“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 146

 

“Buddha said: ‘Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,’ and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 148

 

“Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 149

 

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 152

Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

“By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 170

 

“If your temper is aroused and you tell ’em a thing or two, you will have a fine time unloading your feelings. But what about the other fellow? Will he share your pleasure? Will your belligerent tones, your hostile attitude, make it easy for him to agree with you? “If you come at me with your fists doubled,” said Wood row Wilson, “I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, ‘Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from one another, understand why it is that we differ from one another, just what the points at issue are,’ we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 171

 

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way

 

Principle 5: Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately

 

 

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

 

 

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 196

 

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view

 

 

Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

 

 

Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives

 

 

Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas

 

 

Principle 12: Throw down a challenge

“That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 226

 

Part 4: Be a Leader—How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Rousing Resentment

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

“A barber lathers a man before he shaves him.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 230

 

“John Wanamaker, founder of the stores that bear his name, once confessed: “I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.”

~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, Page 236

 

 

Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

 

 

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

 

 

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

 

 

Principle 5: Let the other person save face

 

 

Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in

your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

 

 

Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

 

 

Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

 

 

Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

 

 

How to Win Friends & Influence People Animated Summary

 

Further Reading:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Quotes With Page Numbers

The Best Book Quotes With Page Numbers

To Kill A Mockingbird Quotes With Page Numbers

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